ADHD or Hypothyroidism?

ADD/ADHD looks different on different people.  Some people manifest the familiar symptoms of hyperactivity, fidgetiness, and speaking quickly.  But there is a group of individuals, females predominantly, whose behaviors fall along the opposite end of the spectrum, mirroring those of hypothyroidism: physical lethargy, absence of motivation, depression, and overeating.  There is a component of hyperactivity in these individuals, but it is centered in their thoughts.  They think at what feels like the speed of light with more information processed by 9am than a "normal" person ponders all day.  I am one of these individuals. 

The biggest battle for me daily is motivating myself to simply start my "to do" list.  Everyone fights the urge to procrastinate, to a certain degree, the start of her to dos for the day, but with ADD, it seems as if one's rear end is permanently affixed to the chair, and that the length of her list should be registered with the Guinness Book of World Records. 

This distorted perception of my daily chores list overwhelms me and sends me into a depression.  A "normal" person could easily complete this same list with ease, but for me, I may as well be asked to build a house from the ground up by 5pm.   Some days I am able to push through my feelings of overwhelm and put aside my thoughts of self-hatred finishing the day with at least part of my list completed.  Others, like today, paralysis wins, and I finish the day with very little getting done aside from the mere survival of myself and my kids. 

I have progressed with time, however.  In the past, when these days presented themselves, I would spiral into a massive shame attack, and berate myself as a failure not worthy of using my share of oxygen in the universe.  Now, I experience a minor shame attack followed by a sense of acceptance that this is just the way it goes.  Some days I have it all together.  Others I don't.

I imagine that anyone who lives with a chronic illness goes through a similar cycle of shame and acceptance -  a grief cycle of sorts, each and every day; maybe multiple times a day.  The most difficult aspect of this grief process for me is the acceptance that I am not going to be productive that day; that I will just be a human being and that that is OK.  I am forced to accept my value as a human being in my natural, God-given state.  I am not able to give in to the deeply held belief that I am of little value when I am not accomplishing things; that if I never complete another task on my "to do" list, I am still worthy of life. 

Hormone levels influence the frequency of my human being days.  The week and a half prior to my menses, my to do list collects dust on the counter.  Thankfully, my husband is understanding of my cycles and loves me anyway.  God is good.