Transitions

Transitions from one activity to another that require a change in my body motion, ie going from an activity that has me sitting to one that has me standing or moving in some fashion, is extremely difficult for me!  The law of inertia was discovered, I believe, through watching my day-to-day activities.   My favorite activities are those that have me sitting, and this preference does not jive well with my chosen profession of homemaker.

I always seem to do life backwards - I want or want to do that which I cannot.  Argh!!

Thank Goodness God Is Faithful Even When I Am Not!

I have spent my entire life focused on avoiding pain, deflecting work, shunning routines, and searching for anything to stimulate me. The results?  A life marked by depression, laziness, extreme boredom, and a trail of "isms" - alcoholism, foodism, debtism, etc.  (My blog.  I can make up any words I like.)

I frequently turn to stimulating myself with food in order to cope with my extreme discontent in life. I have also abused alcohol, exercised compulsively, withheld food to the point of anorexia, obsessively studied, shopped myself into debt, and over committed myself to needy causes all in the pursuit of softening the edge of my discontent with my life.

I have run out of things to focus my mind on.  I now sit in raw emotion. 

Yet, in the midst of this self-induced chaos and negativity, God has been faithful, and is ever working to turn my chaos into good for myself and my family.

Be Still And Know That I Am God

Lately, the Scripture, "Be still and know that I am God" is prominent in my thoughts. I feel pressed to slow down and focus on the basics: nurturing my relationship with my God, with my family, and with friends, keeping a healthy diet, exercising regularly, providing meals for the family, and keeping the house relatively clean.  No outside commitments, no seeking employment outside of the home, no starting a new career, or going back to school. 

The problem with taking this myopic view of my life is that I am now acutely aware of how poorly I have done in these areas.  My life's agenda thus far has been avoiding pain, work, and anything else that makes me uncomfortable, so it goes without saying that I am not the model of self-care and homemaking as both require a strong foundation of discipline and hard work. 

Ultimately, God is directing me to address the very things I have spent a lifetime running from.  He is calling me to live in the moment and focus on what is right in front of me - my family and my responsibilities.  But, what about my boredom and discontent?  How am I going to get through those moments I want to bolt from my responsibilities?  How am I going to get through the overwhelming need to procrastinate and self-medicate? 

I need to remember that God is faithful and good and that He will help me through my uncomfortable feelings when they arise. In my moments of weakness and temptation, I need to lean on His promise to be the help in my time of need, to be my strength to get through the trials I face.  This promises to be extremely difficult for me, and I believe many others.  I must remember I am not a victim of my life circumstances and I am not powerless.  Actually, with God I am all-powerful a force to be reckoned with!  The difference lies in that which I choose to focus on, where I allow my thoughts to go.

I believe that God wants us to help one another through our difficult times, not go it alone.  This goes against my natural tendency to isolate and self-soothe without having the added scrutiny of others.  But, again, God is faithful and has turned up the heat forcing my willingness to do what I have been unwilling to do before. So, I have solicited a dear friend to help me, to be my attitude adjuster, to bring me back into reality when I mentally wander where I shouldn't go, for I have learned from the wisdom of AA meetings that my mind is a dangerous neighborhood; somewhere I shouldn't go alone!

ADHD or Hypothyroidism?

ADD/ADHD looks different on different people.  Some people manifest the familiar symptoms of hyperactivity, fidgetiness, and speaking quickly.  But there is a group of individuals, females predominantly, whose behaviors fall along the opposite end of the spectrum, mirroring those of hypothyroidism: physical lethargy, absence of motivation, depression, and overeating.  There is a component of hyperactivity in these individuals, but it is centered in their thoughts.  They think at what feels like the speed of light with more information processed by 9am than a "normal" person ponders all day.  I am one of these individuals. 

The biggest battle for me daily is motivating myself to simply start my "to do" list.  Everyone fights the urge to procrastinate, to a certain degree, the start of her to dos for the day, but with ADD, it seems as if one's rear end is permanently affixed to the chair, and that the length of her list should be registered with the Guinness Book of World Records. 

This distorted perception of my daily chores list overwhelms me and sends me into a depression.  A "normal" person could easily complete this same list with ease, but for me, I may as well be asked to build a house from the ground up by 5pm.   Some days I am able to push through my feelings of overwhelm and put aside my thoughts of self-hatred finishing the day with at least part of my list completed.  Others, like today, paralysis wins, and I finish the day with very little getting done aside from the mere survival of myself and my kids. 

I have progressed with time, however.  In the past, when these days presented themselves, I would spiral into a massive shame attack, and berate myself as a failure not worthy of using my share of oxygen in the universe.  Now, I experience a minor shame attack followed by a sense of acceptance that this is just the way it goes.  Some days I have it all together.  Others I don't.

I imagine that anyone who lives with a chronic illness goes through a similar cycle of shame and acceptance -  a grief cycle of sorts, each and every day; maybe multiple times a day.  The most difficult aspect of this grief process for me is the acceptance that I am not going to be productive that day; that I will just be a human being and that that is OK.  I am forced to accept my value as a human being in my natural, God-given state.  I am not able to give in to the deeply held belief that I am of little value when I am not accomplishing things; that if I never complete another task on my "to do" list, I am still worthy of life. 

Hormone levels influence the frequency of my human being days.  The week and a half prior to my menses, my to do list collects dust on the counter.  Thankfully, my husband is understanding of my cycles and loves me anyway.  God is good.

Lonely & Bored Today

Today the kids went back to school and my husband back to work.  I was alone, once again, in my house desperately trying to figure out what I could do to stimulate my mind, and cure my loneliness. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of things I should do, but they all fall under the category of monotonous work.  A category of activities that cause rashes and welts on my brain -  I believe I it's an allergy thing.

Boredom, for me, turns into depression, and loneliness, unfortunately a part of homemaking nowadays, magnifies my depression. 

"So why don't you go out and volunteer somewhere or take up a hobby" you might say.  Two things come to mind : inconsistency and commitment shy.  I am really good when I start new things: projects, hobbies, commitments, then as time goes on and my attention span has completed it's course, I am prone to inconsistency in time devoted and productivity accomplished.  Because I can't stand myself in these untrustworthy moments, I tend to shy away from subjecting anyone else to my ugly fits of immaturity and selfishness.   

What did I do today, and everyday really, to help me through these difficult moments?  What else but eat my way through the leftover holiday sweets and drank way too many Diet Cokes.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I will win the battle against self-pity instead of becoming a victim once again.

My Love Affair With Diet Coke

My relationship with soda began early on, prior to the introduction of food.  My mother, love her, gave me coke in my bottle when I was two weeks old.  She figured that she experienced so much pleasure from coke, why not share the pleasure with those she loved!

And my current relationship with soda?  I may as well hook up a direct line of Diet Coke into my vein for a constant caffeine supply.  The problem with this scenario is that I would not experience the oral pleasure I now get from drinking coke throughout the day, nor would I benefit from the constant companionship a can of Diet Coke provides me. 

The problem?  Too much caffeine daily, from what I have read, is really bad for your body.  Caffeine stimulates the adrenal gland to produce the "fight or flight" chemicals which stress your system.  Do this for 20 years and you have one frazzled, addicted, worn down body. 

Additionally, the jury is still out on the long term effects of the gallons of artificial sweetener I pour into my system.  I am waiting for another limb to appear suddenly, or for a third eyeball to pop out of my nose.   With the concern about potential long-term health issues, you wold think that I would stop drinking the offending liquid.  Have you ever heard of the term addiction? 

I'll keep praying for relief....

Jumping Right In....

My night life is nearly as adventuresome as my daylight hours.   The medications I take cause vivid, often violent and vulgar, dreams in my sleep.  Last night I awakened to my Chihuahua's heavy breathing in my face, not once, but three times.  Who knows what I was doing in my sleep - running a marathon, taking out an intruder, or taking down my teenager for giving me that look one too many times.  What I do know is that Tito didn't appreciate the disruptions to his beauty sleep.  With such pronounced eyes, a night of fitful sleep causes the bags under his eyes to swell to unattractive proportions!

I am procrastinating cleaning my three-year-old's toy room.  Procrastination is a human condition shared by most, but for those of us fortunate enough to have ADHD, procrastination becomes a monumental force to be reckoned with.  I might as well be going in for wisdom teeth removal sans painkiller.  I just cannot seem to get myself to cross the threshold of the doorway.  Hand me a lifeline, I'm going in.